To Belong

Perhaps I am destined to be where I am always getting stuck, and staying there forever. 

I once vowed that things would be better once I begin high school. 
I then vowed again after I completed Form Five, that things would be very different for me once I started IBDP in Sri Hartamas. 
And then I told myself that this time it would be different, once I joined the youth group at church.
I then promised myself again that things would change in CPU. I believed in myself almost all the time. I tried. I never stopped. 

And yet, whether it's blind bad luck or perhaps fate, I think you know by now that I've failed miserably. Every time I tell myself I will be different, I will strive, I will work for it... I will try, it never even gets close to falling into place. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet, I merely fail at establishing proper friendships. Sometimes I believe I am cursed to be this way. Many inspirational/motivational speakers tell you that you have the power, or from Christian speakers, God has power over you if you give it to Him. They tell you all sorts of uplifting things and details that, well, is great  for them, but hey, everyone's life is a different work of art. I've tried books, videos. I've tried opening up to whatever friends I actually have. I've tried going to God. Well, so much for trying, because now I believe there must be seriously something wrong with myself if I keep screwing things up like that. 

Now, this isn't some pathetic self-pitying post. I'm tired of that. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. What I say here, at least about myself, and my 'predicaments', are matter of fact. If there was a shell I built for myself a long time ago, this would be it. It's not the best protection, but it does the job better than tears and crying and self-pitying and blaming on others.

Anyway, I watched a video where a woman said she took "this curse which was supposed to be handed to me, and turned it into a blessing", so she could touch others' life. I don't see how my terribly social awkwardness is in any way able to be a blessing. Well, unless others look at me and feel better comparing themselves to who I am. Maybe that's the sort of twisted blessing that humans might get from me.

So what is going to change even when I get to Hawaii? Who would actually accept me there? I can't even forge proper relationships with people here-- and this is supposed to be home. I can't even forge proper relationships with my own family members. If I don't even fit in here... then where do I belong? Certainly not in a new country. People tell me, "You don't know what might happen. Things are different there. Oh, don't be pessimistic. Believe that you will, and you can do it!". 
Well, I'm already a nervous wreck just getting it into my head that I'm about to be thrown into a large campus with thousands of students and living with a random stranger. I'm already terribly afraid. It's not wrong to be afraid, I know, but it certainly doesn't help me in any way.

I just thought of something. I think I know where I belong. I belong in an isolated land with a dog, a cat, sheep, lambs, llamas, and other animals. Isolation. Seemingly the best word to describe me. I would describe my second name but then I did say that this wasn't supposed to be a sob post.

However, I'm tortured by the memories of my past. It's not simple to let go, when you've tried so many times and just keep falling down and gaining a fresh scar on your knee. 

So now, when someone tells me to believe.... I tell them, how can I? How can I believe when every single attempt I make ends up in my own humiliation, in my own isolation? I did not belong in school. I did not belong in college. I did not even belong to my church. 

I don't belong anywhere. 

So, I really don't have any high hopes about myself going abroad. 

I never even had any hope here in the first place.  
I wouldn't count on my meagre chances anymore.