But can I follow it? Do I want to?
The struggle right now is real. Too many people have given up on God, and I admit that there have been multiple times when I was tempted to do so. But there is a part of me that refuses to deny Him, to renounce Him, to completely turn my back on my faith. There is no willing part of me that wants to do that, no matter which stage of my life I happen to be in.
Right now, I am no daughter of Christ. Look at me. I am selfish, cold, disliked. I live for myself, not for God. I care for myself, and not enough for others. What sort of human have I become?
I question everyday whether I am actually loved, because right now I don't feel loved whatsoever. I don't care what I heard in Sunday's sermon, I don't care anymore all those words of comfort that King David wrote in Psalms. None bring any comfort to me. Why? Because I asked for it.
I'm not asking for self-pity. Fuck self-pity. I'm pissed at myself, for not being who I want to be. For being such a selfish bitch, for being cold and horrible. I could probably go and confide in a couple of people right now about how I feel, and they would instantly deny what I just said.
I can already hear them saying, "No, Esther, why on earth would you say that! It's not true!" and then continuing with stuff about God and then futile attempts at prayer for me. I've had enough of that. I'm not beating myself up, I'm merely stating the damn truth. How many times will you try to convince me of a lie, to say I am otherwise?
I've had enough of humans. I've had enough of people trying to push God into my face. I've had enough of people pretending to be my friend, pretending to love me when in truth they turn their backs on me because in truth, I am a horribly selfish person. I am undeserving of love, because I know I take too much and give too little. What sucks is that you don't realize it until it's too late.
You realize all these pretenses and then you figure out that you never fit in anyway, that being loved comes at a price. And you can't pay that price, because you're too poor.
The split loyalty I have right now is driving me crazy. I can't do something stupidly drastic because that would be against what God says. And I am still bound to His rules(strange, isn't it). On the other hand, I've lost all trust in humans. I don't wish to be a part of them.
I want to be in a different world. A world where I will be alone, but never feel lonely.
Under the blue sky, in deep waters, maybe.
