Waiting on You

I'm living off my mother's prayers
Counting on the words of her lips
Moving towards the heavenly realm
For God to have mercy on me. 

Four cubs of age
Still struggling to perfect our hunt
We chase for miles prey of all kinds
More often than not end up with less than none.

I wish I knew what to do
I know I am less than faithful
By being real, are mistakes okay-ed
Excusable? I wish I knew.

He's there, I know, every hour and every day
His love, I know, binds me
Despite my violent adultery
Despite the volatile state of immaturity. 

His words I hide out of sight
From him I turn away from daily
The privilege of this knowledge I reject
His gift I push away voluntarily.

My voice refuses to speak
To the one who I believe loves me most
Who constantly calls out my name
But I'm blinded and deafened, a choice I had made.

I am frozen, broken
Numb, exhausted.
Strong, and capable
Happy, but tired. 

Tell me how to build this faith
From scratch once more.
Scream at me to save myself
Your daughter, from this path. 

For my faith is dry, and parched like a rock
Fractured but intact, covered in dust.
Unused, forgotten, but not abandoned
Just waiting on someone,
someone to shine it up. 

I'm living off my mother's prayers,
the words on her lips. 
Inside I'm cold, Lord, cold and getting blue
On nights that I weep you know
I'm just waiting on you. 

Nights with my Ukulele

Today has been particularly bittersweet
I wish that more could be said
But despite the disappointments
These four strings sooth my head.

I am not one for talent
I know but six chords the most
But this tiny wooden instrument
Chides about my morose. 

My voice is weak
But as long as I keep it soft
Maybe it'll sound sweet
To just me and God. 

I think about today
and I think about him
I hurt for the boy
Who has so much within.

I sing as I give thought
to the people that I love
And I wonder what matters
really, or why am I hurt.

Strumming these strings
Reveling in its sounds
they're not Mozart, not Beethoven
They're peaceful songs.

During the days I feel blissful joy
Others the night brings its spell with
As the clock strikes midnight, once more
The quiet sleeping dream awakes me once more.

In this ire, in this tire, 
I put my uke away.
Its comfort has come at a price;
Its music has made me melancholic. 

I wish I could understand why
such things happen so.
But the one thing I do so know
Is that I am thankful for
this tiny hollow wood
That makes my emotions laugh and cry.

Midnight Musing

For some reason I am suddenly the scared little girl hanging onto her mother's skirts again. For some reason, I feel lost, afraid, and I just want to be back in the safety of my mother's arms. 

Maybe it's the night. Maybe it's the clock striking midnight during which I tend to sink into a completely different trance, a mood that comes and goes like a fairy godmother's spell. Melancholy, feelings of nostalgia, fear, home, all merge into one picture as I sit and muse over happenings of life, and wonder where it'll take me. 

Over a year into life in Hawaii, and I'm finally settling in, breaking out of my shell, discovering things and finding my way through, meeting new people and treasuring those whom I already love. Life has just been... crazy, these past few days. Things have been so much fun, so interesting, so different. Exhilaration builds the adrenaline in my blood even as I juggle school, classes, homework and decisions. New experiences are exciting. I have never been so eager in my life to step out and explore what is before me, and beyond my horizon. 

Why then, am I suddenly afraid of this person I'm becoming? Why am I scared of change, why am I suddenly terrified of going on, when a few hours ago I was nothing but excited about everything that was happening? Why do I feel the sudden desire to just shrink back into my comfort zone, into my world of nostalgia, and hide out for a little while? I don't want to keep going anymore. I am afraid. I don't know this person I'm becoming, I don't understand how I've gone so long and in my blind excitement I failed to not recognize the person any longer. 

Change comes, I know. Change has to happen. But I've always been afraid of it. I've always questioned myself over my ability to accept change, to allow experiences to shape who I am for the better, and be less afraid of myself. I spent a year hiding, and being so very fearful. And then I branched out, and realized after the first step it wasn't that scary after all. 

In this withdrawal period, however, all I feel like doing is hiding beneath my covers, and pretending that nothing exists out there. Taking some time out right now feels like a great idea... but it's impossible. I have to go out there, and not let my fears conquer me. But how...? Part of me just wants to hide. To go back under my rock, and keep out of the scorching sun. Just for a while. Just for a little while. 

But time is too precious to waste. 

I don't know anymore. Feelings are conflicting, and scary, and confusing. Get me out of this world and take me back to my innocence. 

Growing up is so hard. I love this life, and yet I'm also afraid of it. What will it make of me. What will I become of it. Do I really dare to venture out...? 

What is this, really?