That's almost how I feel like right now. An avalanche just crashing through, myself a helpless skier being wiped out by the thick white snow. And there's no knowing how I will come out of it.
I have school, classes, final projects, papers, presentations. I have my desire to go out and explore more of this island, to familiarize myself with places and eateries, beaches and parks. I have my social circle, the friends I'm trying to know better, my classmates, working out, eating. Struggling to find people I truly trust, feeling left out, being ignored. The spiking jealousy within me of another dear friend, threatening to derail my self esteem. The paranoia of what others think about you. My awkward behavior, the desire and the effort to be liked by others. The melting sensation inside of my failure to do so. The aftermath which includes self-battering. You know the general stuff of everyday existence.
Then there's my sister. The legal issue with her car, her relationship with my mother. Her emotional well-being, her relationship in which I cannot approve of. My brother, and his emotional and spiritual well-being. Worrying for his studies, his friends, his mental development. The nagging guilt of not being there to guide him as an older sister. Hoping and praying that he becomes a better man as he navigates his teenage years. Chastising myself for my failure to keep in constant contact with him.
My friends back home. Wishing I could have more time to speak to them. Wondering if ever did any wrong. Wondering if I've been a horrible friend, failing them repeatedly. Wondering if I've annoyed them, made them mad. Paranoia. Always.
The shock of Khalid's death. The shock that in the same year I've witnessed so many deaths. Two of which was at CPU. So much death, so much pain. The realization, the aching, I feel for those who have not found Jesus. Who do not know God. The heavy bombardment I've been getting at school, from LGBT and gay rights which I cannot support, and am struggling to keep my faith up and trying not to let it get to my head. The pressure, the thin line between not being supportive but yet being loving as a Christian.
My spiritual life. My numbness, my stale feelings, my dry soul. The feeling of sitting on the fence, drawn to both sides. My ignorance of the Word, my ignorance of prayer, the stale, pale, life I've been living. The cold empty hollow I carry inside each day, and then returning home to fill it up with mindless filth, or distracting humor, and adrenaline movies. The dis-motivation to pursue God, knowing I'm drifting further and further away from him, and yet... allowing myself to float cold, away into the dangerous unknown of an icy ocean.
The news from my mother, today... my grandfather had just suffered a second stroke. Her unwillingness to tell me about what the doctor said told me more than enough. One of her cats going missing. The strain of dealing with her siblings, the medical costs for my grandpa. Praying hard for his salvation, because we all know deep down he hasn't much time left.
So yes, that's it. An avalanche. More than just four walls closing in on you, squeezing you into a claustrophobic space, squeezing you till you have no air left in your lungs, squeezing till at last you don't exist... till you collapse from the pain, the pressure. Khaled Hosseini once quoted in his book, "Before this, Laila could never imagine that the human body could withstand so much and yet remain functional, alive." But he was merely talking about physical harm, to a physical body.
Have you any idea how much the human emotion can withstand? I do. Because it withstands so much. Takes such a beating, every day, from something, or another. If it's lucky it only gets a sting, maybe a papercut, a bruise. On bittersweet days, perhaps it gets a hug, a warm embrace, but gets lashed as well resulting in an open, gaping gash. And, hell, on those bad days, when it bleeds, it comes out pouring. The spirit turns pale, loses its warmth. Watches helplessly as the blood gushes out, turning everything red before its eyes. Like an alarm. Like an emergency warning. The heart can't take it, its saying. Its hurting, it says.
And then there are hell days. Broken bones. Giant welts. Invisible burns everywhere. It's lying in a pool of darkening maroon red. It can't move. It just wants to sleep... forever. It has lost its strength.
I see now that the emotional spirit is so very much tougher than that of a physical being. Yet, not everyone is strong enough sometimes. There are days when it just wants to sleep forever, but instead it gathers up whatever blood it has left to trudge on, healing the wounds where it can. Depending on the antidote, searing scars sometimes remain. Depending on the severity of it, it takes a long time to heal. Look at yourself and wonder, how many was your spirit in that emotional state? How many times did it feel like sleeping forever, but instead you willed it to carry on...? You carry those invisible wounds inside, wipe away your tears, smile, and get through the day while deep down you're frantically bandaging up all cuts and gashes, nursing those heavy bruises and limping around with a broken soul.
My guess is that you've probably experienced it several times. If you're lucky, maybe just once. Because no one ever has that perfect life. Everyone hurts, somewhere, no matter what the facade is like on the outside.
I don't care if you think this is funny due to the overwhelming sentimental content and "extreme emotional" words I stringed together. I wrote this because I've seen so much hurt in this world, seen so much pain in others, in almost everyone I have encountered. I've experienced it first-hand, and I know what it feels like to hide everything inside and try your best to be your own paramedic, and unknowingly damage yourself permanently in the process because you're too ashamed to ask for help. Because you're too ashamed to cry out, to talk to someone. Yes, I know. And I've seen it with so many people as well.
If it wasn't for my God, Jesus, I don't know what would have happened to me today. I don't know where I would have ended up at, in, or where. Probably somewhere deep and dark, cold and empty.
Not that it's warm and sunny every day. ;)
In fact, like I said, I've been having rain spells and cold spells lately. Sometimes, hail storms. Recently, an avalanche. Yay for lame metaphors.
Thanks Lord, for being there for me anyway. I love You! And I pray for all those broken, sorrowful souls out there, who are trying their best to lick their wounds, to heal again, to carry on. I pray you give them strength and courage. Like You've always given me. Thank You.
