Smiles All Around

JUST DROPPING BY.

So I can say hi. ;)

I am; of course, not the most conventional smiler you'll ever meet. 

Yeah, I smile funny.

Who cares? Smiles make the world go round!

...what are YOU still doing staring at this?! Smile! You owe me for all the hard work I've done to fix my smile up there^. 

Don't stop. Keep going. 

You're doing an awesome job. :)

CHEERS. :D

Selfish

SELFISH

I just realized; I'm really selfish. I've been selfish my whole life. I've been stubborn. I'm still stubborn. I've been in denial. And I'm STILL in denial. 

God has opened my eyes to see today that all this while, all I really cared about was myself, myself, myself. Everything was about me, myself, and I. I cared for others, I was there for them, but then what about God? I didn't take the time for Him. I was there only to treat Him as a counselor. When I was down, feeling bad, facing tensions and problems, I turned to Him and He lifted me up and consoled me, solved my problems and charged no fee. But after that? What did I do? I insulted Him by forgetting where my priorities lie. I put my desires, my wants, my distractions first instead of Him. And I'm still that person today, tonight. 

Guilt has been ravaging my heart for awhile now, after a certain conversation I had with somebody today. It just showed me how much I was lacking trust in the Lord, and how I'm being so very selfish, supposedly following His path only because I wish to pertain my heart's desire. I feel like a hypocrite, I'm disgusted with myself. I feel as if I've let the Lord down, let everyone down, let myself down. 

How do I change this? How do I make the Lord my first priority, when all I want to have is some fun? When all I want is that true distraction to be fulfilled? I pray about it, but is it wrong to be thinking of it all the time? Is it normal to be in denial? Is it alright to feel a little hurt sometimes because you just have a feeling something isn't gonna turn out right? Or maybe because I'm expecting too much; rushing too soon; hoping for more when I should just be patient? 

Questions. Questions. Questions. I'm so sorry, God, for letting you down. I'm sorry for taking advantage of church and youth, for taking advantage of Your Word, for taking advantage of Your love and above all, for not appreciating the true sacrifice You made for me. I'm sorry I'm distracted by this guy, he's a wonderful person, and he speaks ever so highly about You, and the influence You have in his life. You speak to him, tell him what he has to do, and he obeys. He's nothing like me, he is someone that truly follows Your path and genuinely loves You and wishes to serve You. 

I feel like I'm not worthy of You, and therefore not worthy of him. Why should I deserve someone so amazing, when all I do is let you down? I don't deserve for him to feel the same way, the only thing that's happening now is letting myself get wounded because I don't think things are gonna work out the way I dream it to be. He's too good for me. He deserves someone so much better.

He's a friend, and a lovely one at that. But I feel that there's more to his future, and I'm not going to be a part of it because God's plan for me is different. I don't know why he's in my life, I don't know why God let me fall for him, and I know it's probably just to teach me a good lesson about myself, but I don't think I can take another heartbreak. My spirit is already in tatters because I don't see a future with him, and yet I can't seem to stop myself from falling deeper and deeper into him each passing day. It hurts because it's almost certain I will fall in love with him, but once we are separated in the coming years and say our last goodbyes... my heart is going to burn. 

So.. what do I do? How do I become close friends with him without compromising my feelings or letting my guard down? How do I control my emotions so that it doesn't get the better of me; it doesn't take me over?

Why, I ask the Lord sometimes, why is it I'm always the one who falls for the other person? Why is it I've never experienced being on the other side for once? Why is it do I feel I need the love of a significant other when there's many people around me that love me, as well as God? Why is it I have such a strong craving for it? People say, "You don't need a boyfriend! Why are you rushing? You're still so young!"

To heck with logic. Yes, I know I don't need one. Yes, I know I shouldn't rush. Yes, of course I'm still young! But when emotions come, there's no logic involved, you tend to follow your feelings and do something stupid instead of using your head and telling yourself, "This is silly. Control yourself. Be sensible."

It's always easier said than done. 

Okaaaaaaay. Done with my ranting. Doesn't necessarily mean I feel better though. But I'm gonna try and use my head now, and think sensibly. No point getting all choked up and emotional...till the day I'm allowed to.

First priority now, though : God. 

Jesus, guide me through this. Amen. :)

End To Cheesy Posts!

CHEESY POSTS, BE GONE! 

END to all cheesy posts! >.<

Reading back on my last two posts, it was so freaking.. cheesy. ARGH. Okay I may love cheese but that was just waaaaay too ridiculous. I used to grimace at all those lovebirds canoodling in a corner and then shudder at their proclamation of love to one another on Facebook, blogs and so on. I mean, I've seen enough of it in high school till I felt I was immune to the all of it. I didn't feel the need to be involved, nor did I have any wish to. All I really cared about was my studies(SPM), my friends, and then college, and what I intended to pursue in the future. Relationships and stuff weren't the last thing on my mind, they were the very thing kept under lock and key and hidden away in the darkest attic of my brain, never to be brought out or found. Till, obviously, someone found the key to it and unlocked that part of me and let out the very person I used to laugh at. 

Well, I try not to be THAT cheesy. I try to make it as sentimentally-sound as possible(Does this phrase even make sense?). I like the fact that I feel this way, but I never thought for a moment the mushy-mushy side of me would surface(I didn't even know I had one), let alone during a time in which I had had enough of guys and the bad experiences I went through in the past. But I gush so because I know I cannot do any direct gushing on Facebook, seeing I am choosing to remain discreet. 

Ah, discreet. What a word. You want the fellow to know but you have to take things slow. Hey, unintended poetry! *Joy*. Well, I am aiming to do English after all, but seeing my epic failure at poems(I cannot write to save my life), I might have to try a bit harder at literature. That shouldn't be a problem, seeing I've read... oh! Five pages of Great Expectations! PROGRESS! 

..attempt at sarcasm failed, lol. 

But adding to that, I'm not doing too badly in my English class, even though I didn't take literature in SPM and the nearest form of literature I read was Les Miserables. And that's not even real English literature, it was translated from French! C'est un Francais! XD

But anyways, life in college has improved drastically. That two-week break has truly made miracles. I really needed it to get away from all the tension and all the things that had been drowning my mind of late. And I had an amazing time at camp, I got to catch up with my old friends and it was all just such a relief. Thank you, Jesus! :) You certainly know the right time to create such miracles! :D

And as for the last two posts, don't take it too seriously. I tend to get carried away and overexxaggerate on my feelings. Ah, teenage crushes. They bring out the the shudders in everyone with their lovey-dovey messages and ambiguous emotionally-charged words of wisdom! 

See? No more cheesy posts! I'm happy, you're happy, they're happy, we're happy, God's happy, everyone's happy. Let's keep it that way. 

Peace out.

 

Ignorance Is Bliss

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

People :

"He's so totally into you!"

"You're on the verge of your first relationship... obviously that's really sweet."

"I'm sure there's like... chemistry involved, eh?"

"You guys are really sweet together."

"I think he likes you too!"

Me: 

"We're just friends. Don't push it."

I'm serious, guys. My personal life deals with my heart; it is not fodder for gossip. 

Fantasies are for children; it's time for me to grow up and look at the big picture.

So I'm keeping it real. And yeah, that's reality right there. 

The Reason Why

THE REASON WHY

So many things have happened these last few months. And there's so much to thank the Lord for. For my family, my health, my friends, my Youth, my college. But you're a certain blessing; you're an angel in disguise. That's why, you are. 

Who knew?

That when I met you, you were going to be the best thing that ever happened to me?

Who knew?

That when I first realized I'd fallen for you, that we would be where we are today?

Who knew?

That as the weeks rolled by, you would change my life spiritually through God's hands?

Who knew?

That you were going to be the first person that made me feel this way?

 Indescribable is too much of a word to describe 

you. You not just indescribable; you cannot be put into words. But if there had to be a word, I would say this : Amazing. 

You're the reason why.

I smile.

You're the reason why.

I grew closer to the Lord.

You're the reason why.

I ask Him for guidance.

You're the reason why.

I am blessed by Him. :)

You're the reason why.

I remain in prayer each day.

You're the reason why.

I laugh when I'm having a bad day.

You're the reason why.

I pull through the week. ;)

You're the reason why.

I really really really like you.

You will never see this; because it's just way too early to let my feelings show. I am just thankful for every moment we get to spend together, every moment we laugh, every moment you make me smile. Most of all, I am thankful for having you as a friend. You've been one of the greatest blessings God has ever given me, and you still are. I do not know what to expect, or how you might feel toward me, but right now, as I've learnt from the Lord, I am just thankful for you. 

You're the first one. And you've already changed my life for the better. I couldn't have asked for anything more from God. Thank you for being you, thank you for showing me what God is capable of doing, thank you for being there for me when I didn't expect you to. 

Sometimes, though, when I talk to the moon

I sit and wonder, "Are you talking to me too?"

Please be the reason why. :)