Selfish

SELFISH

I just realized; I'm really selfish. I've been selfish my whole life. I've been stubborn. I'm still stubborn. I've been in denial. And I'm STILL in denial. 

God has opened my eyes to see today that all this while, all I really cared about was myself, myself, myself. Everything was about me, myself, and I. I cared for others, I was there for them, but then what about God? I didn't take the time for Him. I was there only to treat Him as a counselor. When I was down, feeling bad, facing tensions and problems, I turned to Him and He lifted me up and consoled me, solved my problems and charged no fee. But after that? What did I do? I insulted Him by forgetting where my priorities lie. I put my desires, my wants, my distractions first instead of Him. And I'm still that person today, tonight. 

Guilt has been ravaging my heart for awhile now, after a certain conversation I had with somebody today. It just showed me how much I was lacking trust in the Lord, and how I'm being so very selfish, supposedly following His path only because I wish to pertain my heart's desire. I feel like a hypocrite, I'm disgusted with myself. I feel as if I've let the Lord down, let everyone down, let myself down. 

How do I change this? How do I make the Lord my first priority, when all I want to have is some fun? When all I want is that true distraction to be fulfilled? I pray about it, but is it wrong to be thinking of it all the time? Is it normal to be in denial? Is it alright to feel a little hurt sometimes because you just have a feeling something isn't gonna turn out right? Or maybe because I'm expecting too much; rushing too soon; hoping for more when I should just be patient? 

Questions. Questions. Questions. I'm so sorry, God, for letting you down. I'm sorry for taking advantage of church and youth, for taking advantage of Your Word, for taking advantage of Your love and above all, for not appreciating the true sacrifice You made for me. I'm sorry I'm distracted by this guy, he's a wonderful person, and he speaks ever so highly about You, and the influence You have in his life. You speak to him, tell him what he has to do, and he obeys. He's nothing like me, he is someone that truly follows Your path and genuinely loves You and wishes to serve You. 

I feel like I'm not worthy of You, and therefore not worthy of him. Why should I deserve someone so amazing, when all I do is let you down? I don't deserve for him to feel the same way, the only thing that's happening now is letting myself get wounded because I don't think things are gonna work out the way I dream it to be. He's too good for me. He deserves someone so much better.

He's a friend, and a lovely one at that. But I feel that there's more to his future, and I'm not going to be a part of it because God's plan for me is different. I don't know why he's in my life, I don't know why God let me fall for him, and I know it's probably just to teach me a good lesson about myself, but I don't think I can take another heartbreak. My spirit is already in tatters because I don't see a future with him, and yet I can't seem to stop myself from falling deeper and deeper into him each passing day. It hurts because it's almost certain I will fall in love with him, but once we are separated in the coming years and say our last goodbyes... my heart is going to burn. 

So.. what do I do? How do I become close friends with him without compromising my feelings or letting my guard down? How do I control my emotions so that it doesn't get the better of me; it doesn't take me over?

Why, I ask the Lord sometimes, why is it I'm always the one who falls for the other person? Why is it I've never experienced being on the other side for once? Why is it do I feel I need the love of a significant other when there's many people around me that love me, as well as God? Why is it I have such a strong craving for it? People say, "You don't need a boyfriend! Why are you rushing? You're still so young!"

To heck with logic. Yes, I know I don't need one. Yes, I know I shouldn't rush. Yes, of course I'm still young! But when emotions come, there's no logic involved, you tend to follow your feelings and do something stupid instead of using your head and telling yourself, "This is silly. Control yourself. Be sensible."

It's always easier said than done. 

Okaaaaaaay. Done with my ranting. Doesn't necessarily mean I feel better though. But I'm gonna try and use my head now, and think sensibly. No point getting all choked up and emotional...till the day I'm allowed to.

First priority now, though : God. 

Jesus, guide me through this. Amen. :)