And then, after that, what?
I have faced several deaths of others recently. My step-grandmother passed away from cancer a few years back, when I was about 13 or 14 years old. I was not close to her. In fact, I did not like her very much, for I held a grudge against her for always calling me fat whenever she saw me.
While I was at CPU, one of the lecturers, Mr. D, committed suicide, an accident which heavily rocked the entire CPU family of students and lecturers and admins alike. I remember Mr. D as the jovial, funny man who came to give a motivational speech while I was in the IBDP program(a semester later I switched to CPU) and he was full of life, full of energy, full of motivation. I didn't think about him after that motivational talk, and I never saw him again even after I joined CPU. But his death shocked me. I couldn't believe he'd taken his own life.
A month ago, acquaintances of mine from high school were posting tributes and condolences about a friend of theirs; a boy I did not know. He had been killed in a car accident. I went to his facebook page, and from what I gathered he was a well-liked, popular person, loved dearly by those who were close to him. An acquaintance from high school had only just said goodbye to him at the airport when the latter came to see him off to the UK for studies. His girlfriend was in the UK then, studying. She flew all the way back for his funeral and wake. Such a young lad, full of passion for the Lord... taken away so suddenly. So soon. I can only imagine the pain his loved ones went through... but I was only an outsider. I didn't know this boy. I only gathered that he was a good person.
Yesterday, another friend told me about the death of her grandfather, who had been suffering several medical issues. I offered my condolences, gave her hugs, told her I was so sorry. However, she was at peace, she was in our prayers, her family was also at peace. Their beloved grandfather was in heaven. They knew they would see him again one day. Jesus promises them as much.
However, all these stories were just me, watching from the sidelines. Always an outsider. Always "understanding", but never really knowing how it actually felt. Those people were not personal to me. I did not know them. Their passings are sad, many tears shed but... it never really affected me. I gave it all a few moments, shut my eyes, and then, I'm distracted once again with my every day life. I forget all about it.
Till tonight.
Tonight, I learnt about the sudden passing of a friend. Not a close one, of course, but this guy, this guy I knew on a personal level, at the very least. He had been a classmate. He was my president of CPU. He was the guy I sat down with once, in class, chatting casually. He was the guy I noticed had marks across his wrists which he tried to hide with thick bracelets--and when I tried to ask him about it, he immediately clammed up and avoided me. He was the guy who told me how ugly my yellow jeggings were when I wore them to class on the last day of instruction. He was the guy whom I joked about calling Melora a donut, "double chocolate", he added. He was the guy who was crazy about motorcycles, who came into class with his huge helmet and thick leather jacket. He was the guy who nicknamed me "Lilo" because he thought I looked like the character, and never stopped calling me that. He was the guy who stood up there as our MC for my graduation ceremony, whose smooth, clear voice I fully admired. He was the guy I managed to grab last minute photos with, during which he draped his sweaty armpit on my shoulder(and even remarked how stinky it was, too) and made me squeal. He was the guy I met up on the sixth floor during break, where we sat on the sofa and he drank chocolate milk although he was supposed to be fasting. He was the guy who told me the reasons why he did not fast-- and why he could not stop his smoking habit. He was the guy I often admired, and wished I could be closer to, but couldn't do so because we were so different in nature and personality. I would never have fit in with his crowd. He was a guy whom I have memories of, from the first half of the year, meeting him for the first time in class, getting annoyed at him and laughing at his jokes. I knew him. He made a huge impact on me, because he was so intriguing in nature, so lively, yet, deep inside, I sensed he was a broken soul.
He was, in a way, my friend. And he is gone. Forever.
As I received the news, I sat down to process the shock. It took a while for me to fully realize that... oh my gawd, he's gone. The jovial fellow, gone. Was it only last June that he had given those amazing speeches at the grad ceremony? Was it only in January I had first met him, and had so many encounters with him? Just like that... gone? All the memories, all those funny conversations we had, all came rushing back like a river after a storm. All the tiny details, all the words, everything. How... how could it only have been this year? How could he be gone? For the first time in my life, someone I knew personally, someone whom I shared memories with... was gone. It doesn't seem real. Not one bit.
But the part that kills me most is the sudden realization that he has not gone to a better place. As much as we all say "RIP", and hoping that he is looking down smiling on us... I know he is not. And that breaks me. It breaks me so hard. I want to know that perhaps, in his final hours, something amazing happened. I want to know that he is in Heaven, where true happiness is. However, I suppose only those who believe in Christ will understand this. Everyone else would scoff, probably hate on me for writing this very frank words. And for that... I am sorry. My intent is not to hurt anyone, least of all everyone who is hurting and grieving over his death. I am too. I am grieving. Except I grieve for his soul.
I closed my eyes and told the Lord, "It's not fair. It's not fair."
"He didn't deserve it. He did not."
"He didn't deserve it. He did not."
And somewhere inside, I heard, God is a loving God, but He is fair and just.
Keep in mind, I am not talking about his death here on earth. Though I wished that there was more time for him. More time. More time. Isn't that what everyone deserves? Why... why him? I don't want to dwell on this. I can feel my tears welling up, just thinking about it.
Flames. All I see are flames.
No. Not true. Don't think about that. It might not be true. There is always a possibility.
Though I know that possibility is really slim. I hate those flames. I hate it. It breaks my heart.
Are you there now, looking down at me? Can you see me? Can you hear the voices, the prayers, the sobs, the grieving of your loved ones? Do you hope for them? I hope you do.
I'm so sorry, Khalid. I'm sorry I didn't... I didn't try. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
No words can even describe how I'm feeling now. I just... can't. All I want to do is just try to absorb it. Push away the denial. I was going to write something but now... I can't dwell on it. I'm speechless in writing. I just cannot. I cannot do this.
(CPU Grad' Ceremony. Stinky armpits on my shoulder, you gross, disgusting president.)
I wish... I just wish...
.. I wish for so much. For you.
All I can offer now are my apologies, dude. I'm so.. sorry.
Khalid Walid, I've been so very honored to have gotten the chance to know you, even if briefly. Thank you for making a huge impact on me in just six months.
Rest in peace, Khalid. You left us too soon.
Thanks for the memories.
Always.
Lots of love,
Esther/ Lilo
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