For some reason I am suddenly the scared little girl hanging onto her mother's skirts again. For some reason, I feel lost, afraid, and I just want to be back in the safety of my mother's arms.
Maybe it's the night. Maybe it's the clock striking midnight during which I tend to sink into a completely different trance, a mood that comes and goes like a fairy godmother's spell. Melancholy, feelings of nostalgia, fear, home, all merge into one picture as I sit and muse over happenings of life, and wonder where it'll take me.
Over a year into life in Hawaii, and I'm finally settling in, breaking out of my shell, discovering things and finding my way through, meeting new people and treasuring those whom I already love. Life has just been... crazy, these past few days. Things have been so much fun, so interesting, so different. Exhilaration builds the adrenaline in my blood even as I juggle school, classes, homework and decisions. New experiences are exciting. I have never been so eager in my life to step out and explore what is before me, and beyond my horizon.
Why then, am I suddenly afraid of this person I'm becoming? Why am I scared of change, why am I suddenly terrified of going on, when a few hours ago I was nothing but excited about everything that was happening? Why do I feel the sudden desire to just shrink back into my comfort zone, into my world of nostalgia, and hide out for a little while? I don't want to keep going anymore. I am afraid. I don't know this person I'm becoming, I don't understand how I've gone so long and in my blind excitement I failed to not recognize the person any longer.
Change comes, I know. Change has to happen. But I've always been afraid of it. I've always questioned myself over my ability to accept change, to allow experiences to shape who I am for the better, and be less afraid of myself. I spent a year hiding, and being so very fearful. And then I branched out, and realized after the first step it wasn't that scary after all.
In this withdrawal period, however, all I feel like doing is hiding beneath my covers, and pretending that nothing exists out there. Taking some time out right now feels like a great idea... but it's impossible. I have to go out there, and not let my fears conquer me. But how...? Part of me just wants to hide. To go back under my rock, and keep out of the scorching sun. Just for a while. Just for a little while.
But time is too precious to waste.
I don't know anymore. Feelings are conflicting, and scary, and confusing. Get me out of this world and take me back to my innocence.
Growing up is so hard. I love this life, and yet I'm also afraid of it. What will it make of me. What will I become of it. Do I really dare to venture out...?
What is this, really?
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