Thinking

So how do I say?
Do I say goodbye?
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times..


I still wonder how the coming year would be like. I'm so excited to go off to university in the USA(Here's hoping they actually like me and accept my applications), a dream that has been impatiently rearing up more and more passionately. I have always dreamt of going beyond Malaysia... and America.. has always been my target for as long as I have known. I don't know why. The feeling stuck itself in me one day, and has never left since.

I can't explain it, but America is where I want to be.

It used to be so easy. USA, destination, Hawaii, done. Everything I could ever ask for, everything that suited my personal desires. Sun, sand, sea, and me. Not to mention I could blend in with the crowd, fit in in no time at all, being Asian, the locals would welcome me, outdoor excursions and activities were very much in my blood, and even then I would still be in a world-class university with the best possible education. 

Everything changed the moment I met that one special person. Little warning here, this is about to become terribly cliche and might invite some eye-rolling, but it's amazing how God can use one person to change your life incessantly in the most unbelievable ways. And meeting this person certainly has made such a large difference it has changed my perspective completely. 

I was listening to an old Westlife song the other day, thus that song lyric above, and was just wondering.. wow. Would that be my goodbye once I leave for university in Hawaii? Relationships are considered one of least important on the priority list, and I know many people who have had to make do with long-distance relationships, or break it off completely because they couldn't be sure they could deal with the pain of it. In a culture like mine, relationships shouldn't even be in the equation. It would be considered preposterous. To put a relationship's priority on par with that of choosing the best university would probably get my father reared up with incredulity. He had not opposed Adrian's request to start a relationship with me, but if he'd has his way he would never have allowed it. I love my dad, but despite all the calls to end the labeling of stereotypes, he is one of the most stereotypical Asian fathers I have ever known. 

Anyways, yes. Hawaii now occupies half of my mind. The other half is occupied with another destination in which I would have placed second after Hawaii a year ago. 

In the end, however, it is where God wants to place me. I only wish God was a little more clearer, and specific, and tell me directly where He'd like me to go. I would go in an instant, and I would obey Him, even if it comes at a cost of wrecking my emotions. My faith in Him might waver, with all the pain of being away from a person I dearly love, but eventually there's no denying that God is always right. And He knows what's best for me. 

And, if I am lonely, scared, terrified, or lost, He would be there. He always has been and always will be. He loved me too much to let me be condemned in my sin of my forefathers for eternity, and suffered incessant pain just to liberate us because He loved us, His creations past, present and future. I mess up, I break down, I ignore Him, I run away from Him, I shun Him, I sin against Him, and yet He still loves me and is always there to pick me up. I remember finding a cartoon picture which moved me to tears once. It was a simple cartoon comic, three pictures in a row. A boy was sobbing and his emotions were in a turmoil. Jesus comes up to him to try and comfort him, but in his anger the boy turns and tells Him to go away. The boy then curls up in a corner by himself, still sobbing, his back turned to Jesus. Jesus didn't take offense, despite the boy pushing him away so rudely, so incredulously. He takes a mirror, and places it in front of the boy and then sits behind him. The boy looks up, and sees Jesus' reflection in the mirror. 

And Jesus said with a smile, "Whenever you need me, I'll be there. All you have to do is call upon me and I will comfort you.". 

--Okay, so maybe it weren't exactly those words, cause I can't remember the exact ones now. But they certainly were similar. And it came at a time when I was feeling  down, but not daring to call upon God because I felt unworthy, useless, disgusting, and kept calling myself a hypocrite. For some reason I felt dirty, even more so than any other sinner, because I kept sinning despite the fact I knew the word of God. How then should God forgive me? 

But He always does. Somehow. And I've lots to learn yet from Him. It's not whether He should or should not forgive me, it's the fact that He always will and always does because His love is more powerful than all. 
In this world it is difficult to keep my focus on Him with so many distractions around me. But I will try my very best to follow His path, and most of all, His will for me. 

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, God must come first in my life. He is my number one, He is top priority. And if I can learn to trust Him, to strengthen my faith in Him, He will honor that. And everything else will fall into place. And everything will be beautiful. 

He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world.