Hardened

It's hard to not hate myself at times; when the everything and a majority of the people around you don't give a freaking care, as if you need to die before they take any notice. 

I bet if I died tomorrow, only like, four people would cry. Someone once told me I am loved. 

Heck, she doesn't know. She has like, loads of friends who love her and brothers who would die for her, and I have barely one friend. 

True story. 

Have I done something wrong? What is it about me that seems to drive people away? I'm always driving people away. Everytime I feel as if I've finally found a friend I can click with, they turn their backs on me instead. Two people have already given me that impression lately... and don't get me started on old friends.

I've done my best. My very very best. But I don't pester people. I don't like forcing people to hang out with me, or to be friends with me. I've tried to not be a bother. College is a sad life with barely anyone. 

And youth. I thought youth was finally a place where I could make some real friends. Instead, they've turn their backs on me as well. Well, some of them, at least. 

Screw this. I might as well just start living a solitary life in the jungle and make friends with animals. God loves me, sure, I know that, and He understands my pain, but I'm a pretty pathetic person to have this sort of 'pain'. If I told someone they'd prolly make fun of me and stick the "foreveralone" meme on me. 

Sometimes I have this feeling that I'm a sort of black shadow, emitting a sort of evil radiation that will kill anyone who comes near me. I'm prolly poisonous in nature. Maybe I deserve it. I feel as if I have a black heart, a hard, rocky, heart with no feelings. Forgive my putting down of myself...but I'm incredibly frustrated at myself. I'm frustrated at my character, my social life, the fact that I have no friends. 

There must be something wrong with me.