Conflicted

My heart is brewing with uncertainty, and I feel as if I'm being pulled back and forth between what I feel I should do, and what I feel I want to do, but am not sure whether it is right.

In life, you're gonna have to deal with some catfish in which your Christian faith will be tested. My head is whirling with the words patience, kindness, goodness, self-control... and the question: What would Jesus do?

I've asked myself that dozens of times. And I'm not even sure. God would..what would God do? Would He sit down, talk with her, advise her? I do not know. I do not know how to deal with people like her who have not done anything toward me, but simply just stirs up frustration and irritation by her own annoying behavior.

I don't want to be harsh, and brash; I do not want to hurt someone. I know what it's like to be hurt, and I don't want it to happen to anyone else because, after all, she is still my sister in Christ. God loves her just as much as He loves me, nobody deserves to be hurt. I am the most vulnerable person when it comes to the capability to hurt others. I have hurt others before. And I have been hurt myself.

I can be the coldest, hardest, most horrible person anyone has ever known, despite the fact that everyone seems to see me as this sweet young woman. Those who know me well, know my true self, and I'm not a wonderful person. The thoughts I have, the things I do...I'm not proud of them. I am currently restraining myself from breaking out of this anger bubble I wrapped myself in, from bursting out against someone who, despite all the irritation that has caused me, is still innocent. Even if she'd done something wrong, I believe we should love our enemies; because that's what God does.

I'm searching for answers. This issue is testing the Christian character within me. One side of me is saying, "Be hard. Be cold. Tell her off. Let her learn a lesson. She deserves it."

And while I believe, yes, she does deserve it, will it be worth it? Is it worth doing all those out of anger, and potentially hurting someone else? And what about me? What good does it do for me? How will others perceive me, this..this terrible, cold, harsh person?

I have done enough in the past to have earned a terrible reputation, and gained a terrible character. I'm trying to change..but, when such things happen, how do you trust God to give you the right answers, when you've so little faith? What if I go ahead and make the wrong decision instead?

I hated my past self. I was a horrible, horrible person. And I fear my decision might potentially drag me back to where I was. I would lose the respect I'd gained, the trust I'd built up, the friendships I'd made. I fear losing everything. And I believe, absolutely believe, that everyone has a right to come for God, to praise and worship Him and grow spiritually. How can I deny a person that chance? While I may not be the one doing the changing, or God's work, I always want to do what little I possibly can. Anything that would let God do His work, produce His magic.

I am hating myself at the moment because I feel so hateful to another person. And the hate is fueling a particular decision which I fear may not be the right one. But I have no control over it..the urging is incredibly strong, and I cannot seem to let go of the frustration within me. Is it God speaking to me..? HAH. I doubt it. God would not let me deprive another child of His the opportunity to go for youth.

Well. Whatever. I have work to do anyway. God help me; I get answers by the end of the week...but to get answers, Imma have to seek Him first. Will the anger go away?

I hope so.