On Hold

ON HOLD

It's difficult to contemplate what my future holds, and letting God take control of it. I mean, I know He has a plan for me and all and whatever it is it will be the best for me--- but I still have awful trust issues. Being reliant on nobody but myself the past few years has its downsides, it seems. 

Mom has tried to tell me over and over again not to look back on the past; that I should move forward, and let go of all that has happened before that is 'holding me in bondage'. Every morning at the breakfast table before I got ready for the day's exam, we both discussed thoroughly what I should do. Actually, not so much as 'what I should do', that would just be me. Mom repeatedly told me to switch courses from IB to CPU, and detailed why so in in-depth detail. Yesterday, she showed me an article she abruptly found in the Christian magazine she subscribes to, which talked about letting go and letting God take control, walking in faith, and most of all, not to worry and plan so much for our future because that would be shunning God's plan and taking your own path without Him. She'd been discussing this with me for the few days since Sunday, and told me that I just had to let go of my 'perfectionist' self and not worry about the sort of preparations that I should do for university, because that was all I was worried about. She told me to trust God, and take this leap of faith, and that she felt like God is putting it on her to tell me that I should make this decision. 

It's drastic, I tell myself. One semester and I drop out and change courses? I felt sad at the thought of leaving my campus behind; the Starbucks trips, the casual walks with classmates around Plaza Damas, the relaxed, urban surroundings. I would miss the few awesome friends I made; and even those who annoyed me at times, because I would never again be part of the IB family. I don't want to leave them behind; Kazuki and her meows that get me laughing every time, Sai Men and his crazy antics and random sayings that get me cracked up; Lysa and Sai who give support and guidance when I'm lost. Even the ones I'm not particularly close to such as Rohan( his everyday battle with the Maths teacher over numbers and his unshuttable mouth) , Ian and Abhishek(the smart ones who help you whenever they can). I am mostly pained at leaving behind Ms Val, Ms Navina and Ms Sujata, and even Mr Boon. It breaks my heart to leave behind Theatre and English, and even though I have no love for business, I love Ms Sujata. And Mr Boon... oh my. The best memory of my TOK lecturer ever. 

"Mr Boon, do you have any kids?"

"Dimitri, why are you asking Mr Boon such a question?"

"Oh I just wanted to know. So, Mr Boon, do you have any kids?"

"Well....  "

"Do you plan to have any?"

"......Who knows. I might have kids that I am unaware of myself." 

The class burst into utmost chaos with the laughter that ensued. The usually boring TOK lesson in the morning became lively for once, because it was unlike the proper Mr Boon to randomly say such...erm.... stuff. And Sai Men only made me laugh more when he yelled out amidst the laughter, "SEE! SEE! I WAS RIGHT! TEACHER BY DAY, PLAYBOY BY NIGHT!" 

Its memories like these that are keeping me from leaving. Memories of entering the GEN-Y and seeing it occupied to the fullest with male students....playing Counter Strike. And Mr Josh, my appointed IB mentor whom I'm forever afraid of, and running away when he comes by. He awes and intrigues me at the same time; he's an awesome and a very nice person, but for some reason he terrifies me. Coupled with the fact I can't help but think of Kazuki whenever I see him makes it even harder for me to not laugh when I encounter him on campus. 

 

But I'm getting off-track here. The point is, I don't have that courage to leave IB although Mom and Steph have urged me to. Part of me wants to, another part is refusing to let go. What if this isn't God's plan? What if IB makes me a better person? What if..what if. But, I should stop worrying. I'm still trying to stop. My perfectionist self is a terrible habit; I'm always trying to prove to myself that I can do better things, prove to others that I am capable of anything. But at what cost? I won't have time for my youth friends, I won't have time for my family or catching up with high school buddies. I might not even have time for Youth or church due to my CAS activities. I might not have time for Adrian. 

Is it too selfish to choose my social life over what I presume to be a better chance of education? I know putting God first is most important, but I'm pretty sure I would still be able to make it for church every Sunday. Maybe not Youth though, if the workload increases like crazy. But cutting myself off from the friends I have there-- that was what started me thinking about this. All the stress and all..it would isolate me. And the friends I have at college, they're good people but we are too unequally yolk due to their liberal sense of thinking. 

Is it worth it? At times, I think so. Other times, no. 

But I'm ranting here, again. Another long essay, oh gosh. Right after Mom complained that I talk too much and should shut up(again). Oh well. I believe God will lead me to the right choice. 

That is; if I even ever do trust Him.