Done

I've done it. 

I've switched courses. 

It was so difficult today to sign my name on the form that acknowledged my acceptance into CPU. My heart was partly breaking because I was beginning to have second thoughts. My love for IB is not lost; but I think I'm doing what's best for me, and I don't think there's any way to look back anymore.

Breaking it to my former classmates was the hardest. I wrote a rationally long letter to them on the IB page, telling them how much I loved them and how much I had enjoyed IB for those six months despite the major stress and the low parts of it. The comments that followed only shattered my feelings even more; I really will miss my classmates, as different as day and night we are. 

I still cannot bring myself to look at my Taylor's bag with my acceptance letter, and brand-new ID card which they issued with a different student ID this time. I'm no longer 1107bh15703, I'm 1201C15703. I still have my IBDP ID card, and I'm going to keep it. Yes, I do believe I'm sounding really emotional right now, but, it's just, I didn't think it would be this hard switching courses. 

It just isn't fair. Having to re-start college, go through orientation again, start anew, adjust to different environments, different subject requirements, the syllabus.... how am I going to do this? The path of life is difficult, true, but sometimes, I just wished God would've made my decision a little clearer.

I haven't been close to God lately. I haven't touched my Bible in ages. I've only read a few pages of the wonderful devotion book my mom gave me. Same goes with the gift AJ gave me for Christmas. 

A few pages, always, then my enthusiasm is curbed. I'm always so excited at first, flipping through it, but then the interest is just....lost. Gone. I realize this, and I know its happening, yet, I can't seem to stop myself from letting it happen. I'm 'drifting', like how I once read in an article on the church pamphlet. Just going on with life, leaving God out of everything. I know this very well, and yet I'm not bothering to do anything about it.

I can make a difference. I know I should, and I have every ability to do so. I have full control of what I do, and a perfectly sound mind that knows what I should and must do. But I refuse to listen to them, to listen to my conscience. I just don't want to work harder to know God better. I'm lazy. Or I procrastinate. Even as I write this, I can write out all I want and splurge on my feelings, but later I will go to bed and just take a look at my Bible and devotion books and close my eyes and sleep till the next morning. And the cycle will just repeat itself. I know myself better than anyone, and I just know very well that even reading a few pages will not make much of a difference to me. 

Those devotion books only really work if you read and meditate on the word of God. You keep things in mind, you memorize Scriptures. You strive to feed that spiritual hunger within you. That spiritual hunger is just not present in me, at all. I'm beginning to doubt myself, and when I make mistakes, I run from God. I'm so ashamed to have done so, I feel as if I'm a hypocrite if I go to church and sing praises and worship, I feel like a hypocrite if I pray and talk to him, I feel as if I don't deserve to be near Him anymore. My worst fear is being a hypocrite in the eyes of the Lord, but I seem to be getting there. 

Maybe right now, even as I write this, I'm already a hypocrite. Perhaps all this talk and all this confessions may sound genuine because of the way I use language, but deep inside it's nothing. Truly, its nothing if I don't even bother to work to fix it. Maybe I'm destined to be a hypocrite for life.

I have that habit of avoiding people whenever they are mad at me, or if I think they're mad at me. I... just can't face them, be it their fault of mine or whatever. And the same goes with God. He's pretty much mad at me right now after all my mistakes, which keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and my stubbornness and refusal to fix them, nor ask Him for forgiveness. I can't bring myself to talk to Him, I'm way too ashamed and disgusted at myself, coupled with the lack of faith in God Himself. I don't apologize if I know I don't mean it, unless I was forced to or something. And my unwillingness to apologize to God would mean that I would be a hypocrite if I forced myself to talk to God and ask for forgiveness. Because, let's face it, God hates hypocrites. And my unwillingness is due to the fact I'm just not sorry at all. 

Why am I not sorry for my mistakes...? 

Heck, I don't know. God is merciful, yes, but only to those who truly regret what they did, and genuinely cry out for forgiveness. I refuse to be a hypocrite, and I refuse to ask for forgiveness, but then it just drags me down even more. But then, if I pretend to tell the Lord I'm sorry and all... He can see my heart. And He knows what is really going on in there. So why bother to pretend, when He's gonna punish you anyway for all that pretence?

..sometimes I feel sick of myself. I don't have any motivation for college in January. I don't feel motivation for anything. It's like, I have the energy and the capabilities, but I just don't have the passion. 

Well, whatever. I'm not depressed or anything, just, mildly frustrated at myself at times. 

I'll get a grip on myself soon. Whenever. Or when God throws me this huge rock and it hits me so hard I wake up and start bleeding. 

Somehow, I always presume that God will do that. All I can picture is God's wrath. And me at the receiving end of it. 

Who knows, maybe there's some truth in it.