Big Deal

BIG DEAL

I hate days like these. 

Why is it the people you want to be with everyday you see only ever so scarcely, but the people that are always leaving you out of everything you are forced to spend half the day with them five days a week? 

I'm sorry if I don't seem to trust you guys, but to be honest, I really don't. At all. 

I feel as if I'm nothing but amusement to all of you; someone to just joke around, someone to be taken for granted, someone to use when they need something. I won't be subjected to that just to please you guys, or to press myself to fit in. I've enough of trying to fit in, but at times I do wonder whether there's something wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? 

Am I so different from you? Am I too quiet? Too naive? Too secretive? Too boring?

I'm physically and mentally exhausted from all the drama and a full day at college and I'm drained of energy. I don't feel like facing another two days at college, sometimes its so much I can do not to cry out to God and ask Him whether I'm gonna have to deal with this for the next one and a half years. Will I never find true friends? Won't I ever be that someone I want to be? Won't I ever learn to just stop messing up? 

When will I just STOP being so paranoid?

....