X Marks the Spot

Will you tell me that it hurts
Over and over again
Mindless crawling through the roof
A denial and truth

Before you realize it hurts
And hurts like hell
It's not love you say
Can't be more than lust

Your eyes used to kiss me 
A burning sensation of pleasure
How stunning they were
How they translated into icy pain

A shove, a push
A deep cut on the mark
X marks the spot
Clever boy
You found the treasure trove

If there's one thing I've learnt
Is that not everyone who unlocks
the door, has the golden key
Melting and bringing it down
You are a fool to believe

That you are not breaking my heart.
Cliche, please. 

Fairy Tales

I pretend to be the realist who shuns the stories of true love
But deep down I'm just the little girl
who believes in fairy tales.

Lightbulbs

Live each day like it's your last
Love everyone like it's their last
Love cannot be forced, 
may never be returned,
but do it anyway.
Give it freely anyway.
Shower it upon others anyway.
This world is too broken
I can't fix it but I can
bring about a smile or two
in this sad place. 

Waiting on You

I'm living off my mother's prayers
Counting on the words of her lips
Moving towards the heavenly realm
For God to have mercy on me. 

Four cubs of age
Still struggling to perfect our hunt
We chase for miles prey of all kinds
More often than not end up with less than none.

I wish I knew what to do
I know I am less than faithful
By being real, are mistakes okay-ed
Excusable? I wish I knew.

He's there, I know, every hour and every day
His love, I know, binds me
Despite my violent adultery
Despite the volatile state of immaturity. 

His words I hide out of sight
From him I turn away from daily
The privilege of this knowledge I reject
His gift I push away voluntarily.

My voice refuses to speak
To the one who I believe loves me most
Who constantly calls out my name
But I'm blinded and deafened, a choice I had made.

I am frozen, broken
Numb, exhausted.
Strong, and capable
Happy, but tired. 

Tell me how to build this faith
From scratch once more.
Scream at me to save myself
Your daughter, from this path. 

For my faith is dry, and parched like a rock
Fractured but intact, covered in dust.
Unused, forgotten, but not abandoned
Just waiting on someone,
someone to shine it up. 

I'm living off my mother's prayers,
the words on her lips. 
Inside I'm cold, Lord, cold and getting blue
On nights that I weep you know
I'm just waiting on you. 

Nights with my Ukulele

Today has been particularly bittersweet
I wish that more could be said
But despite the disappointments
These four strings sooth my head.

I am not one for talent
I know but six chords the most
But this tiny wooden instrument
Chides about my morose. 

My voice is weak
But as long as I keep it soft
Maybe it'll sound sweet
To just me and God. 

I think about today
and I think about him
I hurt for the boy
Who has so much within.

I sing as I give thought
to the people that I love
And I wonder what matters
really, or why am I hurt.

Strumming these strings
Reveling in its sounds
they're not Mozart, not Beethoven
They're peaceful songs.

During the days I feel blissful joy
Others the night brings its spell with
As the clock strikes midnight, once more
The quiet sleeping dream awakes me once more.

In this ire, in this tire, 
I put my uke away.
Its comfort has come at a price;
Its music has made me melancholic. 

I wish I could understand why
such things happen so.
But the one thing I do so know
Is that I am thankful for
this tiny hollow wood
That makes my emotions laugh and cry.

Midnight Musing

For some reason I am suddenly the scared little girl hanging onto her mother's skirts again. For some reason, I feel lost, afraid, and I just want to be back in the safety of my mother's arms. 

Maybe it's the night. Maybe it's the clock striking midnight during which I tend to sink into a completely different trance, a mood that comes and goes like a fairy godmother's spell. Melancholy, feelings of nostalgia, fear, home, all merge into one picture as I sit and muse over happenings of life, and wonder where it'll take me. 

Over a year into life in Hawaii, and I'm finally settling in, breaking out of my shell, discovering things and finding my way through, meeting new people and treasuring those whom I already love. Life has just been... crazy, these past few days. Things have been so much fun, so interesting, so different. Exhilaration builds the adrenaline in my blood even as I juggle school, classes, homework and decisions. New experiences are exciting. I have never been so eager in my life to step out and explore what is before me, and beyond my horizon. 

Why then, am I suddenly afraid of this person I'm becoming? Why am I scared of change, why am I suddenly terrified of going on, when a few hours ago I was nothing but excited about everything that was happening? Why do I feel the sudden desire to just shrink back into my comfort zone, into my world of nostalgia, and hide out for a little while? I don't want to keep going anymore. I am afraid. I don't know this person I'm becoming, I don't understand how I've gone so long and in my blind excitement I failed to not recognize the person any longer. 

Change comes, I know. Change has to happen. But I've always been afraid of it. I've always questioned myself over my ability to accept change, to allow experiences to shape who I am for the better, and be less afraid of myself. I spent a year hiding, and being so very fearful. And then I branched out, and realized after the first step it wasn't that scary after all. 

In this withdrawal period, however, all I feel like doing is hiding beneath my covers, and pretending that nothing exists out there. Taking some time out right now feels like a great idea... but it's impossible. I have to go out there, and not let my fears conquer me. But how...? Part of me just wants to hide. To go back under my rock, and keep out of the scorching sun. Just for a while. Just for a little while. 

But time is too precious to waste. 

I don't know anymore. Feelings are conflicting, and scary, and confusing. Get me out of this world and take me back to my innocence. 

Growing up is so hard. I love this life, and yet I'm also afraid of it. What will it make of me. What will I become of it. Do I really dare to venture out...? 

What is this, really? 

Frozen

We put this love in a photograph
We make these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
And hearts were never broken
And time is forever frozen still

Control

How do you tell others 

that something is wrong

When deep down inside

You don't know what's going on

How do you get up and

smile and laugh

But when you're alone

it's just tears and sighs

How do you envision a

strip of dripping paint

without thinking of

the joy within

How do you stare at

those shapes in the past

Eyes that stare and glow

Surrounded by hearts

How do you see others'

sprightly bright lights

Without thinking of your own

So dull in sight

How do you live

Yet not alive

Just a sleeping zombie

A grenade in five

How do you lose all

of this thing called hope

when all this time it's been nothing but

Get-go and control.

Poor Love

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus is the one true way, the only way, to salvation. I believe it's truth. I believe in the Bible. I believe His word. 

But can I follow it? Do I want to? 

The struggle right now is real. Too many people have given up on God, and I admit that there have been multiple times when I was tempted to do so. But there is a part of me that refuses to deny Him, to renounce Him, to completely turn my back on my faith. There is no willing part of me that wants to do that, no matter which stage of my life I happen to be in. 

Right now, I am no daughter of Christ. Look at me. I am selfish, cold, disliked. I live for myself, not for God. I care for myself, and not enough for others. What sort of human have I become? 

I question everyday whether I am actually loved, because right now I don't feel loved whatsoever. I don't care what I heard in Sunday's sermon, I don't care anymore all those words of comfort that King David wrote in Psalms. None bring any comfort to me. Why? Because I asked for it. 

I'm not asking for self-pity. Fuck self-pity. I'm pissed at myself, for not being who I want to be. For being such a selfish bitch, for being cold and horrible. I could probably go and confide in a couple of people right now about how I feel, and they would instantly deny what I just said. 

I can already hear them saying, "No, Esther, why on earth would you say that! It's not true!" and then continuing with stuff about God and then futile attempts at prayer for me. I've had enough of that. I'm not beating myself up, I'm merely stating the damn truth. How many times will you try to convince me of a lie, to say I am otherwise?

I've had enough of humans. I've had enough of people trying to push God into my face. I've had enough of people pretending to be my friend, pretending to love me when in truth they turn their backs on me because in truth, I am a horribly selfish person. I am undeserving of love, because I know I take too much and give too little. What sucks is that you don't realize it until it's too late. 

You realize all these pretenses and then you figure out that you never fit in anyway, that being loved comes at a price. And you can't pay that price, because you're too poor. 

The split loyalty I have right now is driving me crazy. I can't do something stupidly drastic because that would be against what God says. And I am still bound to His rules(strange, isn't it). On the other hand, I've lost all trust in humans. I don't wish to be a part of them. 

I want to be in a different world. A world where I will be alone, but never feel lonely. 

Under the blue sky, in deep waters, maybe. 

A Happy Person

If my eyes didn't run
If my mouth wasn't  down
Maybe I'd be a happy person

If my nose wasn't like this
Or if my lips weren't like that
Maybe I'd be a happy person

If my hips were less wide
Or if my breasts were that size
Maybe I'd be a happier person

If my hair looked like that
If my skin could change
Maybe I wouldn't be filled with resentment

If only I was him
Or maybe I was her
Maybe I'd be a happier human.

If I could learn to let go
If I could see past the lies
I'd definitely be a happy person.