So... I should be excited right?
I should be thankful. Blessed. Enthusiastic. Outgoing. Just bursting with energy. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Isn't that what we hear from people all the time; college students, parents, friends, teachers? Isn't that how we're expected to feel? How we're expected to behave?
For those of you actually reading this blog(I don't really like promoting what I write, it seems all a bit too self-absorbed at times), allow me to let you on a little secret. I am afraid. As afraid as a little girl being led into pre-school for the first time. The moment when my father left at the airport, and the moment my sister left me at my orientation by myself in the midst of strangers, those moment hit me like a huge wave. It seems that my personality has its odd turnovers; I was never afraid as a little girl in preschool, and yet, here I am, college student, wishing I could hide behind my mother's skirts.
Yes, I am afraid.
I just don't tell people that because I'm always afraid they'll laugh at me. Fear, and embarrassment, it has a huge toll on me.
Blessed enough to have parents to send me over, blessed enough to choose whichever destination I wanted, blessed enough to have food, room and board, comfort, to be free of every worry that usually pounds other ambitious students. I cannot count the number of times I thank the Lord for blessing me with so much, to have given me such endless money-free opportunities when I see so many others struggling with debts and achieving their dreams.
Yet here I am. I'm terrified of everything. All I want to do is hide in my shell of a dorm room, with my movies and computer, perhaps my Bible every now and then. I find myself thinking this was a bad idea, "I want to go home. I can't take this. What was I thinking? I'll die here!". I'm wrecked nervous, crying hidden tears during the night when no one is watching. And then I scold myself, slap myself hard, because "You are so lucky to have your sister here to help you with anything. Why can't you even handle this? Other students go on their own, figure things out on their own, and here you are still needing someone to hold your had spoon-feed you.".
I am rather bipolar with my behavior, again, I apologize.
Ever since I got here my spirits have been nothing but erratic. Most times I was so afraid, so nervous, so scared, I nearly broke down because even in the midst of it I did not even remember my Lord. Other times I would be pumped up, worry would leave me for a time, and I'd convince myself everything would turn out to be okay. But my positive attitude has never lasted for more than a couple of hours.
Last night was my first night on the campus dorm. I have a beautiful view, next to a flowering tree and a little stream that bubbles pleasantly and peacefully. The sky is a lush blue, the same vibrant blue I have come to identify Hawaiian skies to be every day. My sister is a phone call away. My parents are a phone call away. Two framed photos of my love and I sit on my desk. For now, I have the room to myself till my roommate moves in, whenever she is. What a beautiful day the Lord has created. Where is my fear justified?
I sobbed last night in my bed, because I couldn't get rid of the gripping iron fist that was tying my soul up in knots. I couldn't rid myself of the confusion and the fear and the anxiety that kept trying to drown me. I am so afraid I will never make friends. I am so afraid for my academic efforts. Will I be able to adapt? Will people like me? Will I end up being another loner in a corner?
For many of you, all this is probably not much of an issue. Just another classified case of homesickness. Yes, I suppose homesickness plays a part in it, but my point is, fear exists for everyone. Whether it's a tiny fear, big fear, gargantuan fear. As I suffer in silence about my social ineptness, and my fears about it, I realized that it is wrong and silly to laugh at another about what they fear. Or how they fear.
Yesterday, a friend posted this on facebook and I read it over and over again in my Bible.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.".
-Joshua 1:9
I still have not gotten over my fears. That takes a lot more prayer, a closer relationship with God, a lot more reading of my Bible. I do not know how to be strong and courageous. I do not know how not to be terrified. I only know that I must have faith in my Creator. He loved me enough to die for my sins, He blessed me enough to place me where I am. There must be a reason for it, then. But only if I give my life fully to Him, which is still a struggle, I promise you. I am far from a saint.
Does it give me a whole new perspective in understanding others? Yes, it does. I hope it does. With such a ridiculous fear as mine, no other fear is almost as surprising anymore.
I don't know how that might help someone one day, but with His grace perhaps it will.
I am afraid, because I am human. Yet I am made strong, and I conquer, only through Him. My strength fails considerably, but His gives me joy. His word is a salve to my sores, a relief to my wounds. I fail Him all the time, but He never fails me.
"I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall,
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
-Lamentations 3:19-26
I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O Lord
make me dwell in safety.
-Psalms 4:8
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