Fears

I miss.

My friends in IB. Ms. Val. Theater. The quietness. The peaceful surroundings. The casual walks around Plaza Damas. Starbucks Coffee. Gen-Y. i-Zone. The library. Fried Rice(SOBS).

I do not miss.

French. English. Business. Maths. Biology. Theory of Knowledge. The annoying pressure of having to rack up CAS hours. Setting appointments to meet Ms. Tash. The process and paperwork in CAS. THE CHILLING COLD. My lack of sleep. Moi Moi's nagging. MATH(Again!). Driving home after classes. The long hours. Carrying out experiments. The literature content in English(NO I do not like IKWTCBS, Sylvia Plath's depressive poems of self-destruction, and I lost my Siddharta book. Gladly too.).

I am, however, trying to adjust my timetable now so it will enable me to pay a visit to TCSH. It also means that I might have to take three classes in a row(whew!), which is practically almost four hours in a row every single day D:  Mom told me to try and change my math class to 8am(shudder), as it will be easier for me to find parking in the early mornings. Problem? Oh yeah of course. MY BRAIN DOESN'T FUNCTION AT 8AM IN THE MORNING. And seriously, math..? Of all subjects? Oh sure, it would like, so work out well when I start snoozing in class.

I might have to bother poor Ms Caryn again tomorrow, if my schedule changes are not successful(She told me to check at the end of today to confirm my application, and I just checked it just now and nope, it was the same.) or to enquire about switching to an earlier math class.

It has been difficult adjusting to the new environment. I am completely and utterly bemused by the stark contrast it has with my previous campus. However, unlike many people who make friends easily and go around having so much fun since day one, I am the living epitome of the foreveralone meme. I'm not even kidding. I'm having so much trouble getting to know my new classmates, and there are completely different people in all three classes.. which do not help. Not one bit.

My breaks have so far not been fun at all. The internet is terrible on campus, there's no place to sit quietly and just chill by yourself(I do that a lot in Hartamas; just me and a hot cup of coffee at Starbucks. Heaven.), the chaos is no fun when you see everyone hanging out with each other and you're just kinda stuck there by yourself not knowing what to do. I really hate the first few days. I hate the transition.
It's VERY pathetic and sad. I am very well aware of it.

I've not had the best pals during IB, but I was comfortable enough with them because we were such a tight-knit bunch of people. There were just 21 of us, and the seniors. Slowly, I got to know them, got to talk to them. Even when I was left alone, I didn't mind. Gen-Y was a nice place to be in, to surf the net, or I usually went out by myself to get a snack or coffee at Starbucks. Here in Subang, there is no place that is peaceful. It's nothing but noise, chaos, noise, and chaos.

This has me wondering whether there is something wrong with my attitude. I haven't been feeling very well after coming home from cell yesterday night, and today I am feeling the exact same way. There's a feeling of intense anxiety and worry that is consuming me. Okay, this is gonna turn into another depressing story, so if you're not up for it, look away, NOW. I was flipping through last year's Gemala edition that Joel brought back, and suddenly all the past failures and unfulfilled desires that I had so eagerly planned to do in high school came rushing back into my head. All the fear returned. My anxiety heightened once more.

What if I remain forever like this? If its like this now..surely its only going to get worse once I enter university? And I'll be abroad too, away from home, away from my family. I'll have to solve, face things alone, by myself. Learn to be independent.

That's the problem with me. I'm such a fearful person. I am afraid of risks..of change, of something different. I take a long time to adapt. I am already afraid of life in university in an alien environment, I won't know what to do. I'm not an independent person. I live in a shell.

I prayed yesterday and cried out to God to ease my fears, to give me some sort of bravery for me to face things by myself for once. I've always admired those people who travel on their own, and sort things out by themselves. I don't know how to do that. High school has made me into what I am today...but there's no point going back and blaming the past. I am to blame too, for not making the effort to try and change my ways or get over my fear and social awkwardness.

And my timetable has so far remained as it is..looks like tomorrow I will have to attend class at 2.15 again and mimic the foreveralone meme for two breaks once more. I am going to insist on changing it to three classes straight. Tomorrow, I'm getting it straightened out.

Gosh, I hate college. Already.